I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
