next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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