I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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