So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
