Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
