this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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