so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you had me at cake vodka
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
