I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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