My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
