me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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