I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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