My liver just broke up with me...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she woke up with a sticky ear
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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