I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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