someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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