i just google imaged poop.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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