Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We're too hungover to prance.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
