Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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