I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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