Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
