I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
