nut hugger
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
