I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
