come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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