I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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