i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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