If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
