Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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