I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
