drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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