i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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