I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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