There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
