Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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