Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
