I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
