He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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