I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize