Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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