He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
