before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
