she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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