i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
