I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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