It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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