I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
