Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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