Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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