I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
