The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
