Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize