I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
