Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
