I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
