Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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