I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
