sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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