Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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