You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
