Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
