The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
