Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
