the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I love you. Go after that dick
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
