Duck Duck Cougar?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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