my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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